I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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