Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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