Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
