I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
