Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize