Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
