Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
