so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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