Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
