smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
