I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
