I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think my moral compass just broke
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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