some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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