your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
