he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize