So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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