Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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