dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
