There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
