guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
