He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
