Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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