i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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