Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
