Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
