It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
