I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
