I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize