Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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