my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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