Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We are all done wearing pants today
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
