two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
