Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Randomize
