My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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