Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
