You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
