don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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