A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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