Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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