I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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