I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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