My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
