I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
