dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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