Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
