Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
