I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize