stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
