Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
