The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You are a booty call, not a friend.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
