I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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