i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
