she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
