If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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