My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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