I wanna bring you to show and tell
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
