so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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