Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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