So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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