there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
